Fear of Intimacy: Message From a Man

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Why do you protect yourself from intimacy?
“As the representative for the delegation of men on earth, I would first like to start off by saying “We’re sorry.”
Secondly, given the enviable task of addressing how we would protect ourselves if given the chance to grow an intimate relationship with you, many thoughts came to mind.
With endless permutation of factors that could arise, rather I focused on three lenses of defense: The view of the man in pursuit, an overall societal view, and your divinity through said man’s eye.
For men there is a consistent call towards a fear of intimacy in relationships. Be it letting ones guard down, opening to vulnerability, or struggling to become physically and emotionally adjacent. As humans, we have torrid pasts that may consist of trauma in relationships from family or intimate partners. Growing up with absentee parents, losing a loved one at an early age, or being the victim of an abusive household. Subconsciously we can be drawn to relationships where spouses will allow or mirror this pattern of abuse.
When you get “iced out” after a moment of intimacy, it is simply the easier option built through avoidance mentality. It is a defense mechanism built in to eschew doing the real work required to be intimate with you. Through fear of rejection, unhealthy self reliance to meet all of your own needs is created. Life as a zero sum game. If you open your heart fully, it is too risky for what you would lose.
Addiction to new relationships is also a possibility as there might be someone or something just a little more perfect. For most men sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. Sex can be performed without looking in the mirror at our own frustration, regret, sadness, depression, anger, and remorse. Intimacy can not.
The narrative that has the most subliminal impact on men is that of our societal culture. Patriarchy is baked into the bread of our social order, which immediately puts your presence as a threat to our norms. Success and ultimately happiness are measuring sticks that in our civilization are proportional to institutionalized standards. First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the women. Trophy wife, nice house, fast cars.
What us men fail to realize, however, is that these measuring sticks of happiness are built in a society that gave us a predesigned lifestyle. In a vapid culture of unnecessary possessions and broken sexual expression, the fallout is devastating. Massive increases in diagnosis of depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety all fall under the umbrella of social phobias and disorders that cripple intimacy. Fear of failure in interpersonal relationships and meeting the high need structure of emotional inexperience fuels low motivation and self worth.
And how do we cope with these mechanisms? Developing addictions: drugs, sex, lying and cheating. Measuring up to standards set by a society that emasculates self introspection slogs us toward this predesigned lifestyle.
Finally the last lens in which we build protection around surrendering to intimacy, the male view of you Anjani.
Your robust desire for vitality, embracing the fullness of the life you live, and the palpable aura that projects.
Mistakenly taking your fervor for growth and knowledge, as pressure that you want to change him.
You are an ambitious, entrepreneurial, intelligent, strong minded beautiful woman who shatters the mold of the traditional male breadwinner. The strength you bring to your practice, career, and family shows a love so deep, it can be frightening. “Brain orgasm dripping dopamine all over my philosophical matters.” Igniting this phoenix of desire is fueled through intellectual stimulation, which is something that must be cultivated and nurtured with intense passion.
Coming across as an expert in the art of sexuality is intimidating for men. As a Tantrica, your comfort in your own body can cultivate doubt and body issues of ours. Building up to feelings of inadequacy or performance anxiety, your ownership of your power through self reflection is daunting.
In the nethermost moments of intimacy, the body creates natural potent drugs such as dopamine, opioids, and oxytocin that create physical and mental attachment through pheromones. I have yet to meet another woman more in touch, and in control, of her body and its power. Through the physical experience, or the emotions conjured after, the divine fragrance of your essence is a faculty most men are unequipped to handle.
The value hierarchy men seek is perfection, while women seek wholeness. The corresponding acknowledgement and reaction in our life practice shows the enduring entity of these reflections.”

– M


The Making of a Man

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We taught boys not to cry, toughen up, and take control. When boys are little, they are given footballs and blue clothing. When he hits his sibling, we say, “boys will be boys.” The bedtime stories and childhood mythology repeatedly points boys to be the hero and save the helpless girl. He carries her off to his kingdom and gives her a better life where he reigns as king.

When he is in puberty, he is taught that he is different and turning into a man. He is taught to watch out for the evil tricks that girls will do to manipulate him. Because after all, every woman needs a man to rescue and protect her and will do anything in her power to make that happen.

When he gets hurt, he is told to shake it off and is taught “don’t let them see you cry.” Any signs of weakness are strictly forbidden.

In early adulthood, he is expected to take charge of his life, get a career to make a lot of money. He should find a beautiful woman to have a family with and carry on his name by having at least one son. The lucky woman he gets should laugh at his jokes, let him make the important decisions and not question his authority. Because after all, he is the man.

This is an oversimplification … or is it?

When we see the bigger picture and the cycles humanity takes in assigning meaning to life, there is no way to hate any group of beings. Patriarchy is not a man’s issue, it is not one-sided and it was not created by itself. The polarity of mother/father has it’s plus and minus points in the history of humanity. We all have benefited and suffered by the hand of this polarity.

I see men as a reflection of myself. I love myself. Why would I not love men?

I have been molested, shot at, beaten, thrown out of a moving vehicle, cheated on and raped by men. In my pain and agony over these events, I see the pain and agony of the ones who acted out their rage and feelings of hopelessness. The patriarchy that abused and disempowered women simultaneously abused and disempowered men by taking away their range of expression and teaching them to take power over life in order to survive.

Science and religion were created to control and dominate nature.

Men don’t want to hurt women. They want to embrace and be embraced by women. They want to connect with the part of themselves that is woman. In merging with a woman, there is a sense of love and acceptance of this womb energy that has been silenced by patriarchy.

“Don’t speak unless spoken to.”

We have been disenfranchised from our own vital power and sexuality. We have been raised to believe that the opposites sex has something we need and cannot provide for ourselves. We act out of desperation to have those needs met.

Get intimate with reality. Be fully present for what is arising in you before your mind starts mansplaining and narrating the stories. Own your part in creating our current collective reality. Men are doing exactly what we have expected them to do. Drop the expectations and allow them to show up as they are.

When we become intimate with reality, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, we all have hurt each other trying to get something we never lost. Build yourself a bridge to other side and befriend the one you fear. S/he wants to be seen. 

Intimacy as Art

Diaries of a Main Chick

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We love and rage in equal and monumental proportions. No half-steppin. Except when it comes to hidden truth.

Waves of opiates hit like oceans of pleasure and tsunamis of pain. Just when I can’t take any more, you tell me you’ve changed. And you did. For a while.

I want to believe my illusion. But …

You want to love many women just a little. I want to experience the depth of intimacy beyond human concepts of time, bodies and bliss. My pot is simmering. Stewing. Cosmic soul soup been steeped in wisdom and held in the center.

You keep serving up portions of my soup to the women you take naps with along your bohemian journey as the Gypsy King. Condoms missing from the night stand after that one time … where did they go? They used themselves? Now you live alone. No roommate to blame this time.

I don’t feel attractive. My inner sense of self has been crushed and destroyed. With your every love affair, fling and “just a friend” relationships.

Truth is, this has been our secret. You say you love me. I used to wish it were true. Love doesn’t need it’s light to be obstructed like this.

You tell me you want me. I know you do. I am delicious. I tend my temple of divine goddess embodiment like no other woman I know. My skin is soft like cocoa butter rose petals. I taste like jungle vines after new rain. My temple is always fresh. Warm. Inviting. Seduction in the way I walk, enchantment in my smile, love in the way I listen, look …

I definitely don’t want to put you down. You are glorious and I see you as God.

We all have neurotic addictions and ancestral distortions on our view of reality. We are here to elevate and see it all. Not to perpetuate the “sins of our mothers and fathers.” We are NOW. NEW. PRANAV.

Serendipity leads us to where we need to bee and to see what we need to see. Not always pleasant but guaranteed to be real. The obstruction to my view falls


and I see what I am to you.

Your beautiful, radiant object.

Never the only one.

Just the main one.









Reiki Healing for Everyone

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What is Reiki?

Reiki is comprised of two Japanese words, rei and ki.

Rei: meaning God, Source, Divine

Ki: meaning energy, power, force

The Universal Life Force Energy (ULFE) is honored and respected in many cultures. Here is a list of names that ULFE is referred to from {}

Universal Life Force Energy has many different names:

  • In Japan the energy is called Ki, it’s from this word that Reiki is named;
  • Some of the Native Americans call the manifestation of divine spirit in living beings life force energy, or divine breath; known as ni in Lakota and nilch’i in Navajo or some simply call it medicine;
  • Some Egyptians called it Sekhem and, Hai- Djerit;
  • The Taoists call it Chi (Qi) and are able to chart its movement through the body;
  • Indian yoga adepts call it Prana and used it for charting the course of energy through the body;
  • Christians refer to it as the “Light” or “Holy Ghost”;
  • Russian researchers refer to it as Bio-Plasmic Energy;
  • This energy is also known as “Mana” in Polynesia, “Ruach” in Hebrew and “Baraka” in Islamic Countries;


Learning how to access and use this energy is your birthright. Upon discovery of this energy, you will gain access to more of your innate power. Reiki is for everyone, not just “healers” and will improve your life when acknowledged and used. My goal in sharing this material is greater acceptance of inner power in relationship to the outer power. This leads to harmony and increased awareness of how to interact with unseen energy and the elephants in the room.

Before working with Reiki or Universal Energy:

You can ask Reiki to flow through you whenever and wherever you need a boost.  By you lighting up with this healing energy, you become more dynamic in all situations you encounter. Remember to adhere to and respect boundaries before sending or directing this powerful energy to someone or something.  Always get consent. 

How can you get consent from someone or something that you cannot verbally communicate with? 

Connect with it mentally or with your felt sense.  Ask it on the unseen realm.  This is easier to do than it is to explain.  The way I have explained this to my children is like this: Before we pick a flower, rock, feather, or leaves from a tree, we ask permission.  Ask and then be open to the first impression you get.  Soon you will understand what is a “no” and what is a “yes.” It is the same thing when we want to send or direct Reiki.  Believe it or not, everyone/thing does not want or need healing.  We all need to go through our own shadows and experience some level of suffering.  When we are ready, healing is standing before us.  Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, healing is as close as the shoes on our feet and has been with us the whole time.  Think about this in your own life.  How have your greatest challenges been part of your evolution?  How would your life be different had you been “saved” or somehow removed from your challenges?  I ask you just to look at these things and begin to see the beauty in your continued wholeness. When working with yourself and others, honor the process and allow the natural unfoldment.  One of my best teachers used to repeat constantly, “Be where you are.” Do not try to rush your evolution or expansion of consciousness.  Do not rush others. Honor the self as a Divine Master. 

What is the difference between “be where you are” and being “lazy”? 

When there is a call, you answer. If the call doesn’t make sense, you seek guidance.  Dig deeper and take action when you are called to.  Move on when there is completion.  If there is a call and you just sit on the couch and pretend that you don’t hear it, this is what I would consider being lazy.  Everyone is entitled to making their own choice in this.  If your friend, lover, family member is being lazy … so what.  That is their choice.  You are totally entitled to just sit on the couch sometimes, too!  Expansion and evolution are inevitable.  What we do to increase our awareness and openness to this expansion is 100% our own choice and free will.

Starting a session:

I always do a grounding and clearing practice before starting (pretty much) everything I do. I visualize some variation of connecting with the above and the below which looks something like this:

My spine grows roots into the heart of the Earth and the crown of my head grows energetic branches that connect with the heart of the galactic core/cosmos.  As I breathe; inhalation connect to Earth all the way up to the sky and filling up with Universal Life-Force Energy. Exhalation, ULF Energy sweeps through my Auric Field.  Now I am running clear ULF Energy and can send this energy through my hands for personal use or to offer to another.  I place my two hands in prayer position at my chest.  My Reiki invocation sounds something like this: “Reiki Energy Flow, turn on, activate. Thank you for allowing me to access and channel this energy for the best and highest good of ____________ (whoever or whatever I am working with).” I almost always invite my personal spirit guides and teachers into my field when I work. At the bare minimum, I call on my higher-self, healing assistants, and the natural elements of creation.

Depending on who I am working with, I may involve them in participating in grounding and clearing. I will guide them on a variation of the tree visualization in sync with their own breathing.  After they clear away any less organized energy through this phase of the session, energetic density or “blockages” are easier to pick up on. Sometimes, people don’t want to participate in this process and that is totally fine.  Learning discernment in whether to involve your client and at what level will come with experience.  At a minimal, guiding them to regulate their breathing is very helpful.  One practice that is helpful is asking them to take a deep breath in and tense up as much of their body as possible.  On a big, over exaggerated exhale, they release all tension and melt into the table, floor, chair, yoga mat, or whatever they are on.

The 3 Pillars of Reiki are covered in depth during the Level II course.  I am covering them here briefly because I find it helpful to get use to using the principle.  Basically:

  •  pillar 1 is how we ground and calm ourselves. 
  • Pillar 2 is asking Reiki to flow or turn on. 
  • Pillar 3 is allowing intuition to guide the treatment. 

Now you are ready to explore energy! There is an actual treatment plan as you are learning to use energy but once you are comfortable and have had some experience, you will listen to your intuition and move in whatever way you are sensing. The textbook plan has you start at the end and scan energy above the person’s body. Once you scan, you will go over each part of the body sending energy into each part being sure not to overlook any area. There is a particular way to hold the hands which feels slightly cupped in order to gather and direct maximum energy. After you have gone over every part, you will spend more time in any one area that you sense a particular calling to. This is communication. Listening to what the body is saying will develop with practice.

Do not over think, or even think at all, if possible!  Practice feeling and allowing.  ULF Energy has supreme intelligence and will do exactly what is best for whatever is receiving it. When you start to think, judge, or otherwise notice your inner critic come in, thank it for wanting to help.  Tell this part of you, “I value your input and continued service in my life.  Right now, we are allowing Reiki to flow and logic is not needed. I will let you know when to come back online.”  This logic and reason part has an important role in your life. If you treat this with respect and honor, you will be more successful in integration on many levels.

If you get “stuck” in a session or feel unsure about what to do, relax.  Refocus your breathing with any of your favorite techniques.  Get out of your way.  Remember that Reiki is doing what it needs to.  Remove your attachment to any expected outcome.  Your job is to hold the space and let Reiki flow.  I personally have many techniques that work for me in different situations of “stuck”.  One of my favorites is calling on Archangel Michael or another Master energy to come into my field of awareness.  Do a little research, experiment and follow your intuition and guidance.

Combing or smoothing aura after self-Reiki.

This step is vital for bringing your session to completion.  During this time, you may thank your guides, angels, beings of light, helpers, teachers, and Reiki guides for assisting you in your healing.

We can close with several optional techniques.  The one I will mention here is combing or smoothing out the auric field.  Place your Reiki activated hands about 6 inches above the physical body starting around the head, hands on either side of the head.  Make a big combing action around their entire body. And bring your hands together at the feet to close.  Be sure to let go of the energy after your session. Some things I do:

  • Thank the client for allowing me to work with them.
  • As I am walking out, I thank my guides and ULFE for their love and support in my work. Respect and Gratitude.
  • I go to the washroom and wash my hands, allowing everything from the session to be released.
  • When the client comes out of the room, I ask them how they feel and give any impressions or follow-on self-care information.

This all will demonstrated in class.

Cleansing your energy body or the energy in your environment after your session is simple.  With intention for clearing, burn sage through the rooms in your space. Leaving a cracked window and open doors for ventilation for smoke and stagnate energy to escape, wave the sage in a circular motion.  Intend for energy to be broken up and leave the space.  You can also wave this sage around your body.  This is a most popular method as sage is easily obtained and the process is pleasant and quick.

Some closing thoughts:

Energy is beyond good and evil.  It is Energy.  How we perceive and what what we do with energy is what matters.  This concept takes time to develop and understand.  Please explore this for yourself. 

For 21 days after your Reiki attunement it is necessary to do self-Reiki. It may be helpful to use a picture with the self-Reiki hand positions and keep it in your office, bedroom, or any place you can devote some time (20 – 30 minutes) to your self-healing practice.  During the 21 days, it is useful to make journal entries after your sessions to note any changes, insights, and energy you notice.  After the 21 days, you may develop a shorter variation to keep utilizing the Reiki self-healing system.

During this 21-day period you to get to know your own energetic signature and discover your patterns.  When working with others, knowing yourself can be a most valuable tool.


September 9th 530-9 pm Reiki I Sign-up here.
October 7th 530-9pm Reiki II Sign-up here.
December 1st 530-9pm Reiki III Sign-up here.

Anjani has been practicing the healing arts professionally for over 17 years. She got her first attunement in India in 2008 and practiced regularly for 7 years before getting the level III teachings. In April 2015, Anjani received attunements as level III Master/Teacher of Reiki from Shamanic Practitioner, Katie Weatherup and has been sharing attunements regularly since.

The Easy Road for a Beautiful Woman

By | Body Temple, Healing, Psychological~Spirituality | No Comments

07 Dec 2016

By Anjani Siegrist


Beauty is a prized possession that men and women want to own in one way or another. But what is the real cost of beauty?

I grew up being valued for my beauty. From as early back as I can remember, people would take pictures of me and talk about what I beautiful little girl I was. Mostly outside of my family. Within my family, I felt outcast. My mother’s sisters, their daughters (with a few exceptions) and my mother’s mother seemed to despise me. They said I was conceited, stuck up, made jokes about my perfect posture and said things like, “What are you trying to prove?” In my reality, I did not feel superior or beautiful and wasn’t trying to prove anything. I got a lot of attention and felt like I was in the spotlight everywhere I went.

When I was six years old I stayed at my mother’s sister’s home for a week or so. Her husband would have me and my cousin massage his legs and feet, which I did not enjoy. I remember being left alone with him and wishing someone would call me back into the living room or come looking for me. One night after everyone went to sleep, he came into the room where I was sleeping and molested me. I had no way of understanding what was happening or how to handle the situation. I told my cousins the next morning and they immediately told the grown-ups, against my request to keep it a secret. There was nothing done. Not even a talk to check in with me or listen to how I felt about what had happened. Between the ages of 6 and 9, my memory of where I lived, my family structure, and life in general is a blur. The rush of energy and change in my mentality around who I was and how I was supposed to act was disorienting. My little body and mental state were not developed enough to handle the situation. I recently asked my mother to fill in the gaps on my memory of exactly how old I was, what season it was, and whether she knew about what happened or not. From what my mother told me and my memory, I believe my aunts didn’t tell my mother until years later. The story has always been that the women knew that my father would kill that uncle so they were protecting my dad from going to prison. My father was a dangerously violent man and certainly would have killed him. 

During elementary school, I lived in a Mormon town in Thatcher, Arizona. I remember having my first crush on a boy when I was in the 3rd grade. His name was Josh. He had the prettiest green eyes and gorgeous smile. I wrote about him in my diary and wished that he would like me too. But the kids called me a nigger, butt-wipe, dirty black girl and a lot of other racially biased names. Even if Josh did like me back, he certainly would not have admitted it. The kids were cruel and their parents were even worse. 

When I reached 7th grade, boys started to notice me. I got gifts from secret admirers and had requests to go on dates to the movies. I also had some rage ridden boys who would call me a slut, bitch, and other horrible things when I declined their attempts at courting me. The summer after 7th grade, I had sex for the first time. I was 12 years old. It was with a boy who was 15 and was a family member of a family I used to babysit for. I didn’t really know him. I bled so much that I passed out in the bathtub the next day. But I couldn’t tell anyone. That summer everything changed. I stopped going to church which was a big deal for me since I took the bus to church every single Sunday with my sister and cousin. I felt guilty and full of shame.

When 8th grade started, it seemed like all the boys were interested in me. I was very pretty but also very insecure. I had a boyfriend named Sean who was in the 10th grade. He was a light-skinned Mexican guy with stunning green eyes and was very suave. Sean was beautiful and a lot of the girls his age liked him. They decided they wanted to beat me up, even though they never met me. I soon had to have an escort walk me home from school every day for my safety. The girls would come to my house at night, yell profanity and honk the horn for me to come outside. My mom had a boyfriend in another town and didn’t sleep at our house a lot of nights so wasn’t there when this was happening. When we would go out to get groceries, girls would threaten me in public and right in front of my mother. It was so embarrassing. But my mom stood up for me and that felt good. But my mom couldn’t be there to stand up for me most of the time. By the time I was 13 years old, I remember wishing I would just be fat and ugly to avoid all the trouble my looks were causing me.

We moved to the town where my mother’s boyfriend lived at the end of 8th grade. Even though my mother’s boyfriend had something against me, I was so happy to not be in fear for my safety anymore. But when school started in the 9th grade, it was even worse with the girls. They instantly hated me and their boyfriends loved me. I was at that school between 9th and 12th grade and had the hardest time fitting in, making friends and being a part of the community. There was one girl who was relentless in wanting to fight me. She would drive by in her truck looking for me at every lunch break and after school. Finally, I decided I had to fight her to make it end. I was scared out of my mind. I met her (and a large group of kids from school) down a deserted road that led to the river. I beat her up to the equivalent of a TKO. But she got up and wanted to fight again. So, we did. When we left that day, she had a concussion and wrecked her truck on the way home. I felt horrible about that. This was the first of many girls I physically wounded. I never once got in trouble for any fighting because every fight was in self-defense and not started by me.

When I was 15, my aunt got a divorce from uncle David and used the molestation against him in court. It was at that time that I had to tell the story of what happened that night repeatedly to so many people with tape recorders and then again in court. I remember wanting to rip my skin right off. I hated what happened to me and that I couldn’t do anything to change my feelings. I felt like I couldn’t control my urges to be sexual and blamed my uncle for that. It was really embarrassing that so many people knew what happened to me.

When I got out of high school, I married a man who was 4 years’ senior to me. He was so jealous and got mad if I wore makeup or perfume to go to my University classes. He said he didn’t want those black guys (the athletes) perusing me. I didn’t give in to my husband’s requests and wore whatever I wanted to. We had tension in our marriage for obvious reasons. To start with, I was only 18 years old. We got married in October and by November I cheated on him with a guy from high school. That marriage was short lived. I realized that I was not ready to be a wife. I wanted to see the world and have adventures. I wanted to meet famous people and date professional athletes. I wanted to model. I knew none of those things would happen in the situation I was in, so I left, joined the Navy and realized those things I had hoped to experience.

All I was complimented, congratulated, loved and hated for was my beauty. When I joined the Navy, they cut my hair off, made me wear boy clothes, and fed me dead food. I was really depressed for the first year, gained about 20 pounds, and did not feel beautiful. I would eat a whole medium sized pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream every day after work with the curtains to my barracks room closed. No matter how horrible I thought I looked, there were always guys on base who would cat call me. But I couldn’t even respond or look at them. I felt so bad about myself. I finally got a plastic surgeon who I worked for to do a liposuction surgery on my belly after being asked by someone if I was “expecting.” After that surgery, my distorted body image and eating problems got worse. I became bulimic and was on a crazy cycle of binge/purge. I finally did lose weight and stabilized myself enough to eat normal amounts of food and not throw it up. But I wasn’t totally free from my disordered eating patterns. I couldn’t talk to anyone about this. It was something I hid in secrecy.

I finally could get to a healthy relationship with food when I was in a healthy relationship with myself. It was not easy and took most of my energy. I started studying Buddhism and practicing yoga when I was pregnant with my son in 2004. When he was born, I became vegetarian because of a story I heard from a chef about an eel he was cooking. I decided that I would no longer contribute to the suffering and loss of freedom of any creature. I lost 30 pounds effortlessly with this change in my perception and eating choices. My family made a lot of comments about my weight and choices, as they often did. At some point, I stopped caring what they said about me and they stopped saying anything

I decided to be fat and ugly when I was 13 to avoid the problems my looks were causing. Then I had to fight (mostly myself) to win my health and beauty back. When I look in the mirror, I now see beauty beyond the physical. My beauty is so much deeper than a surface level. I learned about the inner feminine and inner masculine using astrology which has healed my relationship struggles from the inside. I value and nurture myself and I know that my outer beauty reflects how I feel on the inside. For years, I have felt ashamed of being beautiful because of the damage it caused. I feared being hurt and abused by men and an object of misogyny and hate from other women. Yes. I said that. Other women have been competitive and aggressively hateful to beautiful women.

Overcoming a serious eating disorder, clinical depression, anxiety and panic attacks was a side effect of doing real work on my relationship with myself. For 17 years, I read countless self-help books, attended workshops and certification courses in the healing arts and even went through the medical system for 2 years. The things that have been most beneficial to my healing have been Shamanic journeying, CranioSacral Therapy, Ayurveda, and doing self-love rituals daily. I practice meditation and developed other talents and skills that are not dependent upon my outer appearance. I never once used my looks to get out of speeding tickets, get into the VIP section of the night clubs, or get men to buy me things. I saw other women around me do those things, but I never did it. I am not saying there is anything is wrong with it, but I personally prefer to be valued and treated fairly for simply being human rather than for physical appearance. To be honest, it means more for me to be complimented for my brilliance and creativity rather than be called beautiful or sexy.

By adding this piece of my story to the tapestry of our collective story, I want people to realize what the “easy road for a beautiful woman” might look like. I also hope that you will acknowledge the pieces of your experience as well. Especially the things that you have hidden. After doing bodywork for many years, I notice that so much energy is trapped in the body like a cover-up to keep secrets buried inside. I decided to start moving this deeper layer of energy out of my body and releasing it back into the loving darkness or energetic field where all energy circulates freely. There is no good or bad energy. It is just energy and can be used to create apple pies or nuclear bombs.

Post scriptum: I was looking for court documents to fulfill a request from a publisher before they could publish this writing. I found a death certificate instead. It appears my uncle died in the summer of 2016 from heart failure. After a day of processing, I feel like some cords have been cut between me and painful memories from this portion of my life. The details of what happened and how it was handled by the people in charge are no longer a concern for me. Ultimately, it is my own inner process that I am responsible for. The sense of losing my innocence and the years I spent feeling out of control of my emotions and sexuality are the bigger issues for me. I have worked this topic from many angles over the years. A lot of people have suggested that I “let it go.” Where exactly does “it” go to? It goes into the body and other parts of the unconscious mind where it lives forever as deep programming. I see it all the time in my work with people and I am not interested in wearing my inner material as a hidden under garment. Many creative people take their painful material and MAKE SOMETHING of it. Me, plus my inner material, can equal my art or unconscious acting out. 

I realize today that I am in a phase of holding a memory and a story. The experience put me into a mode of intense sexuality and sensuality which may or may not have been part of my original personality. It was too powerful and impossible for me (before I had training) to contain and work with. I learned the lessons, had many experiences and have taken back my power. I have lived out the drama of that story and now the story is over. I am left with the potency of my own power and ability to run sexual energy through my body for the sole purpose of energizing myself. I no longer feel the need to dampen or hide that part of myself or give power to the story.

Partner Massage

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Let your giving and receiving of touch be equally communicative.

Every intimate encounter with another human being is an encounter with the Divine.

Invocation for touch: I open to Great Spirit, which unites us all. I see you as a form of God/dess and I am grateful for the gift of connection with you. May our communication be blessed. So it is.

Before starting any form of massage, take a moment to tune in and get centered. Close your eyes to limit the outside distractions. Take a slow, deep inhalation and an equally slow exhalation. Bring your awareness to your body. Let your inhales and exhales become equal in length. Breathing is grounding.

Before touching your partner, have some idea of a beginning, middle and end for your treatment. Deciding in advance how much time you want to spend and the nature of the massage you both agree to participating in are keys to success!  

Once you feel grounded and present with yourself, it is time to tune into your partner. Placing your hands on the tops of your partner’s shoulders, take a few deep breaths and allow a connection to form between the two of you. Notice the way your partner’s body feels. Be curious like a child. Notice:

·         Temperature

·         Softness/firmness

·         Movement with her/his breathe

·         How you feel with your hands on your partner’s shoulders

All of this is information and by tuning into it, you can be more aware of yourself and your partner.

Here is a basic flowchart to make sure you address each body part. It is not necessary to follow it verbatim.

Shoulder work:


Lower back/hips:

Back up the back:

Shoulders- Transition to front and have your partner lay down


Down the arms:


Up the arms- to chest and belly:



This routine can be done anywhere and anytime. It is non-sexual in nature but your intention can absolutely change that.

Using a body oil that is organic and has an inspiring aroma may aid in your intention for sensual massage. Adding oil to this routine gives more flexibility in the movements. More sweeping and gliding can be used with oil.

When the massage is finished, thank your partner for allowing you to massage her/him and offer a drink of water.

Giving a massage is a great gift for both giver and receiver!

The Healer in You

By | Body Temple, Healing | No Comments

Pain, or your attachment and belief about pain, is your own creation. On a basic level, pain makes you move your hand quickly from a hot stove. We like our ability to respond in this situation. When pain shows you areas of your life that need to be reevaluated or shifted, do you have the same ability to respond?

Physical and emotional pain can be transformative when you shift your beliefs.

I experienced three years of acute emotional pain but felt powerless to respond. I couldn’t digest what was happening but I also couldn’t stop eating it and talking about my indigestion, on a metaphysical level. I felt anger that I had zero reference point for and depression that brought me to my knees. My entire self-image was demolished to an unrecognizable pulp that used to be me. The life I had was completely sucked out of my body and all that remained was a frail, skinny limp version of what I used to know as me.

For the people who could be around me during this time, the pain was palpable. I was on the verge of an emotional break day in and day out. No one could help me and many people disappeared from my life.

During this challenging time, I tried many things to relieve myself of the insurmountable pile of emotional debris. The only things that helped were the things that required me to take action and increase my ability to respond to my situation. Shamanic journey work and energy modalities were of the greatest efficacy in letting go of my previous form and rebuilding a new version of myself.

ability to respond

Whatever you repress or reject can create its own life form and energy pattern inside of you. Imagine your body like a hollow bone. When there is repression or rejected parts of your psyche, they lodge into your hollow bone and create sticky spots. Then, when things in your reality match frequency with that sticky spot in you, it irritates that spot. You can blame the person or situation that triggers your sticky spot, but ultimately you must own that the sticky spot originated in you. The person or situation can be viewed as a tool for bringing your awareness to this spot rather than an enemy that needs to be eradicated from the face of the earth. Having space from the person or situation while you do your own personal exploration has proven to be helpful in my experience, but you will find what is best for you. You are bringing power back into your hands now and not waiting for someone else to change. You are responsible for your beliefs, feelings, and emotions. The only person who can cause you to suffer is you, often through believing your thoughts.

changing a belief

Sounds simple enough, right? When coming up to seemingly impossible obstacles in life, changing your mind is the last thing that occurs to you. My pattern was to see the obstacles as threats to my happiness and success rather than a potential source of power or tool for transformation. From a physical fitness perspective, you add weight to your movements to build strength and endurance. The same concept applies to heartmind and bodymind issues. Writing things down is very powerful. Try it with this exercise to changing a belief.

  • What is the discomfort in my current situation? If there is another person or people involved, do not imagine what they may be thinking/feeling.
  • Where in my body is the discomfort being most expressed? This can be multiple places, but start with the most prominent place.
  • Mentally or intuitively go into that place in your body. Breath into that place. See how it feels, what it looks like, what feelings or emotions might be there.
  • Ask if there is anything that this place wants you to know.
  • Give gratitude for anything that comes up even if nothing obvious is pointed out to you in the moment.

If there is advice, words or images that you get, honor them. The body often speaks a subtle language of symbols and sensory signals. Learning your body’s language is imperative to leading an empowered life and taking responsibility for your healing.

Healing means wholeness. There is nothing you need to fix or make better about yourself. Wholeness is accepting and approving of all aspects of yourself under all circumstance.The truth is, you are already whole and healed.