The unconscious mind controls 95% of your life. This leaves 5% of the mind for conscious function. Of that 5%, how much space can you make for relating with others in conscious, cocreative ways?
During our early years, we are learning basic and core beliefs about how to respond with life. I grew up with terrifying domestic violence between my parents and abuse of all kinds. As I developed, I have felt comfortable with men who seem a little scary or dangerous. They often are very creative and are fun to be around, as long as they are happy. I do my best to make sure they are happy. They usually turn out to have a bit of a substance addiction, whether it be too much caffeine, alcohol, working out, and since living in Southern California, cannabis. It usually annoys me, but is manageable. In the dynamic between me and men, I usually end up being the one who is more grounded and down to earth in the relationship. This leads me to be the one who has food prepared, the living environment clean, stuff to do planned out, and almost always resentful that he is not doing as much as I am. He is having fun, being spontaneous, getting into some kind of trouble with authority, and overall seems to be having an amazing time. I feel like I am responsible for taking care of basic needs for both of us and starved of appreciation and time for myself. We get in fights over insignificant things until finally I drop the big one. I am exhausted and tired of the relationship.
The patterns you repeat are showing you something about yourself.
The form of the masculine that I attract is, in essence, my inner masculine. I have done much writing and talking about the inner feminine and inner masculine and this is undoubtedly one of my biggest messages. We are a blend of both feminine and masculine energy, yin and yang. Whatever we repress or reject within the self will show up in the form of situations, people and more often, intimate relationships. It is easy to point the finger to an outside circumstance, but real magic happens when we can ask, “What is this showing me about myself?”
For me, my relationship patterns with male lovers or friends, all show me the same thing. I have a dark, mysterious, childlike rebel inside of me that I do not allow to play. I am fearful of that part of myself. I draw in men who will act out my inhibitions and the shadow aspects of myself. Can I still love myself when facing my shadow? If the answer is yes, I can continue to love the man as well. If the answer is no, I have to get away from him as fast as possible as a way of self-preservation.
The answer to this seemingly impossible to solve problem is simple. Honesty and love for all parts of myself. I can incorporate some of those darker more mysterious things into my life. I am not going to become the embodiment of my shadow and start doing drugs or acting irresponsibly, which something I fear. By doing the sacred marriage, I have found that through shamanism and other occult practices, I can tap into that part of myself in healthy ways. When I am fully owning this energy for myself, I no longer attract men to do it haphazardly for me. It is easier for me to recognize when I am attracted to a potentially unhealthy or dangerous versions of myself in a man and make a conscious choice to avoid the old pattern.
In the past few weeks I have experienced what feels like one of the most traumatic losses in my life. This situation brings me full circle to a crucial noticing of my codependent tendencies and how every relationship I have ever maintained with a man has been a dance of codependence. In recognizing this material for myself, my life has expanded out into a greater spectrum of possibilities. I am very satisfied with myself and do not feel the desperation I have felt in the past. I love myself more fully and experience great amounts of joy in being more of who I am.
In writing about this, I hope to move some things out of my body and back into the loving void where all energy circulates freely. Energy is not good or bad. It is just energy and we get to decide how to use it.