Fear of Intimacy: Message From a Man

Why do you protect yourself from intimacy?
“As the representative for the delegation of men on earth, I would first like to start off by saying “We’re sorry.”
Secondly, given the enviable task of addressing how we would protect ourselves if given the chance to grow an intimate relationship with you, many thoughts came to mind.
With endless permutation of factors that could arise, rather I focused on three lenses of defense: The view of the man in pursuit, an overall societal view, and your divinity through said man’s eye.
For men there is a consistent call towards a fear of intimacy in relationships. Be it letting ones guard down, opening to vulnerability, or struggling to become physically and emotionally adjacent. As humans, we have torrid pasts that may consist of trauma in relationships from family or intimate partners. Growing up with absentee parents, losing a loved one at an early age, or being the victim of an abusive household. Subconsciously we can be drawn to relationships where spouses will allow or mirror this pattern of abuse.
When you get “iced out” after a moment of intimacy, it is simply the easier option built through avoidance mentality. It is a defense mechanism built in to eschew doing the real work required to be intimate with you. Through fear of rejection, unhealthy self reliance to meet all of your own needs is created. Life as a zero sum game. If you open your heart fully, it is too risky for what you would lose.
Addiction to new relationships is also a possibility as there might be someone or something just a little more perfect. For most men sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. Sex can be performed without looking in the mirror at our own frustration, regret, sadness, depression, anger, and remorse. Intimacy can not.
The narrative that has the most subliminal impact on men is that of our societal culture. Patriarchy is baked into the bread of our social order, which immediately puts your presence as a threat to our norms. Success and ultimately happiness are measuring sticks that in our civilization are proportional to institutionalized standards. First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the women. Trophy wife, nice house, fast cars.
What us men fail to realize, however, is that these measuring sticks of happiness are built in a society that gave us a predesigned lifestyle. In a vapid culture of unnecessary possessions and broken sexual expression, the fallout is devastating. Massive increases in diagnosis of depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety all fall under the umbrella of social phobias and disorders that cripple intimacy. Fear of failure in interpersonal relationships and meeting the high need structure of emotional inexperience fuels low motivation and self worth.
And how do we cope with these mechanisms? Developing addictions: drugs, sex, lying and cheating. Measuring up to standards set by a society that emasculates self introspection slogs us toward this predesigned lifestyle.
Finally the last lens in which we build protection around surrendering to intimacy, the male view of you Anjani.
Your robust desire for vitality, embracing the fullness of the life you live, and the palpable aura that projects.
Mistakenly taking your fervor for growth and knowledge, as pressure that you want to change him.
You are an ambitious, entrepreneurial, intelligent, strong minded beautiful woman who shatters the mold of the traditional male breadwinner. The strength you bring to your practice, career, and family shows a love so deep, it can be frightening. “Brain orgasm dripping dopamine all over my philosophical matters.” Igniting this phoenix of desire is fueled through intellectual stimulation, which is something that must be cultivated and nurtured with intense passion.
Coming across as an expert in the art of sexuality is intimidating for men. As a Tantrica, your comfort in your own body can cultivate doubt and body issues of ours. Building up to feelings of inadequacy or performance anxiety, your ownership of your power through self reflection is daunting.
In the nethermost moments of intimacy, the body creates natural potent drugs such as dopamine, opioids, and oxytocin that create physical and mental attachment through pheromones. I have yet to meet another woman more in touch, and in control, of her body and its power. Through the physical experience, or the emotions conjured after, the divine fragrance of your essence is a faculty most men are unequipped to handle.
The value hierarchy men seek is perfection, while women seek wholeness. The corresponding acknowledgement and reaction in our life practice shows the enduring entity of these reflections.”


– M

 

Leave a Reply